"I saw the face of Jesus in a little orphan girl. She was standing in the corner on the other side of the world. And I heard the voice of Jesus gently whisper to my heart, Didn't you say you wanted to find me? Well here I am, here you are. So what now? What will you do, now that you found me? What now? What will you do with this treasure you've found? I know I may not look like what you expected, but if you remember, this is right where I said I would be. You've found me.

What now?"

--"What Now," Steven Curtis Chapman


I am back in the United States; it's been two days since I left Bethel. I miss the children, the staff, the volunteers, everything about the place. I even miss the kitchen that only ran cold water, the fridge with all the dead flies on the bottom, the foam beds, the same 6 dishes of 家常菜 rotated over and over again for lunch and dinner.

The day before I left, some of the older girls got rebellious and didn't listen in class. I had to pull them aside and discipline them. I think they just had a hard time with my leaving. None of them have had strong parent figures for most of their lives, and although they all call each other sister and brother, they don't have great relationships with each other either. Some children cope with loss by acting rebellious, grabbing for attention more than usual. One even pretended to cry so that she could elicit sympathy from me and hold my attention longer. I was annoyed, but realized just how needy some of the girls are, and this is how they choose to express it. Xiao Guang, on the other hand, just could not focus on English class and kept saying, "An jiejie no go America. Next year come back." The little kids (2-6 years old) could not understand the concept of leaving. I said I would go back to America on Thursday, and America is a place very far away. One kid asked if I would come back on Friday.

On Wednesday night we had a party for me; we played musical chairs and a dancing game where every time the music changed, we had to change dancing partners. Then each student came up to me and thanked me. Afterward they sang a simple hymn they had just learned, "God is so Good." I gave them each a gift; six of the girls got hairclips, the two oldest ones got wooden combs with "Jesus Loves You" and "Love One Another" engraved on them and also a CD of worship music and an audio Bible CD. I gave Li Ying my old flute because she had said early on that she wanted to learn. Xiao Guang got a hat, but he wasn't at the party because he had done something out of line and was punished.

On Thursday morning, I taught preschool English for the last time at 8:30 before rushing around saying goodbye to the older students, the older students' nanny (whose son was hit by a car a few days ago...I gave her a card and the Purpose Driven Life in Chinese), the office staff, and of course Chun Yu. I was about to get in the car with all my luggage when Chun Yu and her nanny came back from their walk, and I hugged her and told her I'd miss her and I love her. I said goodbye to Chris and Aaron (his friend who just arrived the night before) and got on the van. I waved to Chun Yu as we drove away. At the airport, my flight was delayed several hours so I listened to music and just sat for a while. Chris wrote this song called "Jesus in your Eyes," dedicated to his adopted sister, and I listened to that while I looked at Chun Yu's picture. I looked at the picture also as the plane took off at 6 PM.

I haven't gotten too much time to really think about everything that has happened this summer. I know I have learned a lot but haven't sorted all the lessons out clearly. What I do know is clarified is those lyrics above. I have seen the grace of God embodied in these young children, innocent and playful, loving and friendly, wanting love from others.

In John 9, there is a blind man who is healed by Jesus, and his disciples ask Jesus, Who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?

And Jesus answered, Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.

What does that mean? We discussed this early in the summer when most of the volunteers were all together. How can one explain to the children why they are blind or otherwise disabled? It seems harsh to tell them that they were made to glorify God through their weaknesses.

But I think one needs to look at what it means to glorify God. What is God? God is love, grace, mercy, kindness, patience, and everything good. These children at Bethel, although still blind and not healed, are a testament to how love can impact one's life.

Many children came from state orphanages where they were neglected, abused, malnourished, and had to face a lot of suffering no parents would want their children to go through. Many could not even talk or sit up as toddlers when they first arrived, like Chun Yu Some were severely malnourished, like Zhi Wei, who is the size of a 1 year old but is actually 3. Some were cursed at and beaten for years, like Xiao Guang. But they all changed when they came to Bethel. They have received continuous love and care for two to three years, and already they show many signs of improvement.

When Xiao Guang first came, he had a severely hunched back, could not feed himself, could not go to the bathroom by himeslf, and cursed all the time because the person who "took care" of him cursed at him all the time. Two years later, he stands up straight and walks, can eat with a spoon, can go to the bathroom, can speak properly and politely, and is a very gentle boy. He has a reason to smile. He calls Guillaume his French father (法国爸爸). Love has changed him. People who see him and hear his story cannot help but be amazed.

The power of love changes people. The children at Bethel, blind and disabled, are a living testament to that truth. Spending a day there makes it apparent that there is something very special about this foster home. The children are happy and know they are loved. Once in English, I asked them to use the sentence structure, "I am grateful because..." and Li Qin said, "I am grateful because many people love me."

I hope each of those kids realize that if they don't already. And I hope that every person who visits Bethel will realize that love is what matters in life, because love is what saved the 31 children living there. It was love that brought Guillaume and Delphine from France to Canada to Hong Kong to China to start this foster home. Love brings volunteers from all around the world to help the children. Love brought the children from wherever they were to where they are now, and it will bring them wherever they will be in the future. Through them, it is evident that God is love, and that He saved them and wants to save everyone.

So this summer, I saw the face of Jesus in 31 Chinese orphans. I want to pass on the question, "What now?" as a challenge. There are millions of orphans in China, and millions more all around the globe.

What will you do with this treasure you've found?





Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." --Matthew 19:14





www.bethelchina.org

Just one more day before I leave. Hard to imagine the summer passed so quickly. I walked around with my camera for a good while today and took lots of video and photos of the little kids. Tomorrow I hope to get video of the older kids. Maybe if I ever figure out how to use Adobe Premiere, I can make a music video out of the brief clips I have. I have videos of the preschoolers doing the Hokey Pokey and singing the ABC's, and the best one is of Xia Bao and Xia Lu kissing. I have videos of the older students singing praise with Chris on guitar and Guillaume on drums. They sing "Open the Eyes of my Heart" and "As the Deer" very beautifully.

In English corner as of late we have been telling scary stories. Yesterday I told the Monkey's Paw story that I had to read in 7th grade. The girls were freaked out. I wonder how they feel fear, what inspires fear in them. For me, fear is so visual--I always picture a grotesque or frightening scene in my head, and little of it has to do with sound. For them, I guess most of the fear comes from sound.

My last weekend was memorable. Some friends came to visit Bethel on Saturday morning, and they took me to Tianjin and Tanggu in the afternoon. On Sunday Chris and Melanie and I went to church and then shopped in the huge electronics complex called Zhongguancun. Then we managed to find a Christian bookstore nearby and bought tons of stuff from there. When we finally got back to Lang Fang, eight episodes of LOST were waiting for us. Just watched the first three of season 2 a few hours ago, actually. I'll have to finish the season in the US...it won't be the same as watching it here though, sitting in the sick room on the couch with a towel wrapped around my legs to block mosquitoes...

I don't think the little kids will understand when I say I'm leaving. I tried to explain this morning that I am going back to America on Thursday, and the brightest kid asked if I would come back on Friday. I explained that America is on the other side of the world, very far away. I will give them all candy tomorrow. I will give Chun Yu something extra--the day of the surgery, she kept playing with the metal chain that says "Coach" on my handbag. After the surgery, I gave it to her to keep playing with. The nannies said she cried whenever she dropped it, so they gave it back to me. I'm attaching a wooden keychain that says, "The will of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot keep you." I hope that every time she touches this chain, she remembers me. It is really sad to think about the probability that the little kids will forget who I am in a few months.

The older students are already rather clingy. Right after English about half of them hug me and don't want to let go. Some of them call me "mommy" even though I say I'm just a sister. Tomorrow night we are supposed to have a party for me. I wonder if some will cry. It feels like I have been here forever with them; I have seen basically all the other volunteers come and go, and I've held the same routine every day with the children. I bought gifts for each of the students. The six younger girls will get flower hairclips. Sam will get a hat that says "Way Truth Life." Li Qin and Li Ying will get wooden combs that have an encouraging spiritual message engraved on them.

I can write emails to Li Ying and Li Qin, the two oldest ones. I trust they'll pass on any messages I want to write to the other kids who don't have email.

So then I have one week before going back to school. Hope that can be worthwhile too.

Yesterday I went to the hospital to pick up Chun Yu. There were two nannies with her who had been with her for the past week, sleeping on a rented stretcher-type bed every night. I thought about how dedicated they are to Chun Yu and the other children; they did not have to stay an entire week, but they volunteered to. Usually we would switch nannies every day.

Chun Yu has made significant progress already since the surgery. Before, if you asked her a question she could not answer, she would stay silent. Now, she can voice, "I don't know" (我不知道). Before, she would follow every command given to her seemingly without thinking. She would recite poems, sing songs, say hello and goodbye, etc. Now, she often refuses to listen to directions. I think she is starting to recognize her own will. I hope that soon she will be able to tell the difference between "you" and "me."

The doctors removed the bandage from her head. Now there is just a small cross-shaped scar on her forehead. I want to see it as a symbolic mark. Guillaume and Delphine and the volunteers prayed for her a lot, and I often prayed for her in the hospital room. I was so worried the day I heard she had a seizure. Now it seems things are looking much better. I hope she can join English class soon.

Speaking of English class, here is (finally) an update on what we do in English:

Preschool: At 8:30 the kids are usually all there in the living room in building 17 waiting with two nannies. I sit down and say "Good morning class," and they say "Good morning An jiejie." I usually start off with "How are you?" and some of them respond with "I'm fine, thank you." The younger ones just repeat what I say. We clap and count from 1 to 10. Recently I have made each of them stand up and walk around the circle, counting how many children there are in class. We sing the ABC's, once with me leading, and once by themselves. We sing Old MacDonald had a Farm, and they know plenty of animals by now: dog, cat, cow, bird, snake, bee, wolf, tiger, lion, chicken, sheep... We stand up and do the Hokey Pokey, which they are very good at now. We then do either London Bridge or In and Out the Window, then end with Ring around the Rosie. They sit down and I go around the circle with a box of crackers and ask each of them, "Do you want a cracker?" For weeks most of them still haven't gotten it right; they just repeat after me instead of saying "Yes please." Xin Ju and Chun Yan are older and do it correctly, but the others are maybe too young. After that I teach them a shape (square, triangle, etc.) and pass it around the circle. We play hot potato with the shape so when stop playing piano, whoever has the shape has to say the English name of it out loud. Then we always end with "If You're Happy and You Know It." The kids really love that song. I say goodbye to them, and then usually a bunch of them want to play with me before they have to go do exercises or take a walk with their nannies.

Students: The older students learn more advanced stuff, of course. Continuing from Theresa's lessons, we practice sentence structures like "Today I feel happy/sad/frustrated/excited... because..." and "Yesterday I went..." Recently I taught them "Before" and "After." One of the most fun activities for them is to pretend to bargain and shop. I have a bag of random items like a shirt, a towel, a roll of toilet paper, etc. that they can bargain for in English. Some of them are really funny because when they're the storeowner, they make the price go lower instead of higher...I guess some don't have much of an idea about how to buy things. On Fridays we have storytime; recently I have read Bible stories, and last week I told them a short version of Hansel and Gretel. I pause between sentences to let them try to translate. Most days at the end of English, we practice recorder. That is pretty hard because none of them can see me playing, so I have to try to give verbal directions and go from person to person to correct their fingering.

Piano lessons are different for each child. Li Qin is amazing; I am starting to teach her an easy version of Liebestraume III. I gave her the CD that came with the book, and I think if she listens to it, she can figure things out on her own. Li Ying needs more encouragement, but she is also talented. My problem with the way they have been taught music is that they all know Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do, but they don't know the lettered keys (A-G). I have to review the letters every week with them. Some of the younger kids are easily distracted but still talented. Others are not really musical. Since there are 8 of them who learn piano, not all of them can find time to practice, and some of them are lazy and don't care to practice (just like me). I feel like I haven't taught them much in piano. But we also have nice conversations and one on one time.

Delphine recently asked Chris and me to take over Arts and Crafts as well as preschool music since Audrey and Sarah left. We have made fans and finger puppets so far. Today I think we are going to try a lame-o project of chain bracelets or necklaces made out of paper. There are so many project ideas online, but we don't have the materials for them. It just happens that none of the toilet paper in the Bethel bathrooms have a cardboard tube in the middle; they're just rolls of paper. That cancels out all projects that require a cardboard tube.

We also teach music to the preschoolers and autistic children. We sing some children's songs in the book Christine left here. They get to use instruments like tambourines to keep the beat. Today we tried teaching them rhythm, 4/4 and 3/4. At the end, one kid at a time strummed Chris' guitar while another kid played piano with me, and we played Kumbayah together.

I only have a week left. I leave next Thursday on a 1:00 PM flight. It feels like I've been here a really long time, especially since so many volunteers have come and gone while I'm still here. Melanie (a French volunteer who teaches Delphine and Guillaume's children) just moved into an apartment yesterday. The two Beijing volunteers left this morning. Now it's just me and Chris. We have fun, though. Sometimes Isaac comes over to learn guitar from him. Most nights we just play videogames...the wonder of SNES9x and ROM files. We beat Turtles in Time twice so far on easy and hard. I also have to finish watching LOST (and probably start writing stories about it afterward).

Still trying to think of plans for this weekend; it's my last one here, so I better make it memorable.

There are over 50 staff members at Bethel, including administrative staff, cleaning ladies, cooks, and nannies, to take care of 31 kids. In comparison, the Luoyang state orphanage has over 600 kids with about 200 staff to take care of them. And still many children at Bethel seem so needy for attention.

I think it is rare in Chinese culture for people to really care about and love children who are not one's own, and I think it's even rarer when it comes to handicapped children. The nannies here are paid to take care of children for most of the day; each nanny is in charge of 2 or 3 kids, I think. All of them show the kind of love a mother has for her own children. A requirement Bethel has for all nannies is that they have to already have their own kid so they know how to raise a child. But most of the week the nannies are here at Bethel instead of at home with their own flesh and blood. I wonder how their families are affected by their job.

Guillaume said that when sometimes he asks the nannies how their kids are, they automatically assume he's talking about the Bethel children, so they go on and on about how Xia Bao and Xia Lu or Chun Yan and Xin Ju are doing. They seem to really think of these orphans as their own children. Last week at the hospital, the doctors woke up Chun Yu to mark her face with stickers before the surgery. She started to cry and struggle, and two of the nannies held her feet and hands so she wouldn't mess things up. By the time the stickers were on, there were tears in both the nannies' eyes. I can only imagine how hard it was two days ago for the nanny who watched Chun Yu have a seizure. She said that when she was feeding Chun Yu some fruit, suddenly the girl's hands couldn't reach her mouth, and they kept shaking back and forth. Then she stopped breathing. That would probably scare the wits out of any mother.

But I still do wonder how much time the nannies get to spend with their own kids. What they do at Bethel does not seem to be nothing more than paid work. It is much more meaningful than what they could get elsewhere, but does it take away from their own family life? Is it worth their toiling here to give their hearts to orphans while their own kids miss their mothers at home?

Yesterday afternoon Chun Yu had two seizures within two hours and Guillaume decided to send another nanny to watch her. I was really worried so I went too. The doctor said it was not abnormal for people who just had surgery to have seizures. I just hope it's not something that will happen regularly. It was hard to watch the nurse stick needles in her every hour either for drawing blood or for the IV. The two nannies and I would hold her arms and legs and tell her she's brave and that she shouldn't move. She would sometimes repeat "brave," and "don't move" as she started crying.

I stayed over at a friend's house and went back to the hospital this morning. Color had returned to her face and she was more talkative. Well, she started talking about food again, so she is more normal now. She always talks about eating "tasty food." One of her many general answers. Usually if I ask her, "what do you like to eat?" she answers, "I like to eat tasty food." If I ask her, "What do you like to play with?" she answers, "I like to play with toys." I wonder if her brain will quickly recover from the delay in development it had from the tumor. I won't be here to see her change in personality and temperament. I hope she's okay and doesn't become epileptic or even more delayed.

I'm thinking of taking the afternoon off to rest instead of teaching. My voice is shot from this weekend, and I was feeling sick as I left for the hospital yesterday. I hope tonight I can go into town and get a massage.

Lunchtime

This weekend was awesome and tiring. Saturday morning was actually the first time in a long time I got to sit alone and do nothing for a couple of hours. Sarah, Audrey, Laurie, Adam, and Chris left at 5:30 AM for the airport. They all got to where they were going safely (the first four to the US, Chris to Guangzhou). At 11 I went to Beijing for lunch with my uncle and a Harvard graduate student he sponsors through a fellowship. Then I went to the airport to pick up Won Hee (my roommate at college). She flew over from Seoul and was able to visit for two days.

Saturday afternoon we checked into Leo Hostel near Qianmen. It's in a pretty messy area with lots of street vendors, souvenir shops, rickshaws, etc. Our room was decent, though. We checked out Hongqiao (Pearl Market) and had dinner in Wangfujing. We went to a toy store to get a doll for Chun Yu. Sunday we went to church, then to the hospital and saw Chun Yu in ICU; she was happy and responsive to conversation. It was sad to see her though because she has a tube coming out of her head with yellow fluid in it going into a bag. I think they get about 100-200 ml out each day. Her hands were also tied down so she wouldn't try to remove the tube.

For both nights Won Hee was here, we got massages at a place next to the hostel. It was more expensive than Lang Fang, but the conditions were poor. It was nice chatting with the women who work there. They work from 7 am to 1 am or whenever the last customer leaves; they live in the building they work and hardly get to go home (various rural provinces).

This morning (Monday) we went back to Bethel and Won Hee got to see the children in class and out of class. Since Chris isn't here, I taught music and had a lot of fun with the preschoolers learning a new verse of the Hokey Pokey. I also played piano for half an hour for the autistic children who aren't responsive to speech or most actions. They seemed very happy afterward; one boy hugged me, and the girl hugged Won Hee.

In the afternoon I went to the airport to see Won Hee off, and then I went to the hospital again. Chun Yu wasn't so happy this time because she had just gotten the medicine injected into her brain, and she seemed to have a fever. Still, she said hello and goodbye on command from the nanny, as usual. I gave her the doll I bought and said it had just had surgery too, so she could take care of it and be its friend. She didn't care too much for the doll. But since the day we took her to this hospital, she has liked playing with the tag and chain on my Coach handbag. So I left the tag and chain with her; she held them as she slept.

It's still too early to tell if Chun Yu will regain vision or develop into a mentally adept child. God can work miracles; another child, Xin Ju, was so malnourished and small when she got to Bethel that Delphine thought she would surely die. Instead, in the span of several weeks, she grew incredibly (and abnormally) quickly as she was well taken care of, and is now a happy, very intelligent, healthy child. I pray the same thing might happen for Chun Yu.

It's pretty empty in this building. I miss the volunteers who left. Laurie and Adam's sense of humor, talking and praying with Sarah, playing with the kids with Audrey, conversations with all of them...it won't be the same without them all here. I regret not spending time with them on weekends; I always went off with family or friends in Beijing instead of going with Bethel volunteers on their adventures. Now there's just Chris and me left to teach music and English. I'm not too good with arts and crafts, sports, or cooking, so I think I'll just stick with the classes we already have.

One awesome moment Won Hee and I shared this weekend was singing praise on the subway and on the street. We got stares; first, we were smiling, which most people do not do in public...and we were singing together, which no one does. And we sang lyrics like, "You can have all this world, but give me Jesus."

The operation went well today! Chun Yu cried a little when the doctors woke her up to mark her face with stickers. Other than that, she just lay there and said, "妈妈，吃饭" (Mama, I want to eat food) like she usually does. We rolled her gurney outside to get somewhere she could get an MRI, then rolled it back to the main part of the 住院部to start anesthetics and the operation. The operation only took 20 minutes. The doctors inserted a needle through her forehead and extracted 70-80% of the fluid in the cyst. Over the next two days, the rest of the fluid will be continuously pulled out through a tube. On Monday, the irradiation medicine will be inserted into the front of her brain to kill remaining cells. She can come back to Bethel on Wednesday or Thursday.

We are all waiting for what kind of person she will be. Laurie says that her personality will totally change. I hope she makes a full recovery mentally. Vision-wise, it's a very small chance for her to gain any vision back since the tumor has been there for two years or more.

Won Hee is coming to visit me for the weekend! Hopefully we can go to a toy store together and buy a doll for Chun Yu. Guillaume suggested buying a doll and telling her that the doll also had surgery, so she could sympathize with it and take care of it.

Rewind: On Thursday night the volunteers all went out to downtown Lang Fang and hit up an arcade. The arcade was like nothing I've seen in the US. About half or more of the rides moved; you sat down in a Hummer or a racing boat or even a merry-go-round horse (for the ranch game). My favorite was a game where you shot balls through air guns at a big screen where ugly-looking insects were floating around. I felt like I was avenging myself for all the mosquito bites I've gotten.

Afterward we got a massage for the second night in a row, but it was full body, not just feet.

We had a party for the volunteers who are leaving. The kids all had something nice to say to thank each volunteer. Some cried. It was very sad to see Chun Bin cry; there's a few pictures of her on my webshots, and she is almost always smiling. When she cried in front of Audrey, I asked her if she wanted to tellAudrey anything, and she just tearfully said, "Goodbye," and hugged Audrey.

I will probably visit Chun Yu on Sunday. I pray for her continued recovery and a miracle for her mind to be fine and her vision to be restored.