Last day of the month. I’m listening to “And Now my Lifesong Sings” at the moment. It moves me in a way it has not before. I have next to me a new printout of all the kids’ pictures and their names.

This is a feeling that is hard to describe because it is multifaceted, a collection of threads intertwining as I just sit back and think, instead of just talking, translating, and working all the time.

There are different dimensions to knowing a person. Someone can be a complete stranger to you. Someone can just be an acquaintance and leave a first impression that is just one color in the spectrum that makes up that person. Someone can serve as an emotional outlet, a scapegoat, a conversation partner, and many other things. Beyond a friendship based on function and utility is purely enjoyable friendship, where people just like spending time with each other and have established some kind of mutual chemistry. Beyond that, I’m not sure what to call it. Inexplicable friendship?

When I first visited Bethel’s website, I saw just one color of who the children were. Blind orphans—they must need pity and love. Then when I came here, they became students to me, and I also observed their individual qualities. Loud, cheerful, bursting with energy, manipulative, bratty, shy. I knew Yuan Yuan as shy, Li Ying as hyperactive, Li Qin as extremely intelligent, Chun Bin as very cute.

It seems they are becoming more to me than just little kids and teenagers, students, and blind orphans. Tonight I felt I was crossing the line to inexplicability.

When I first came at the beginning of July, I was excited just to be here. Last week I suddenly was annoyed and tired. With God’s grace I am no longer that way. Tonight I realized I want to know the children not as students or orphans, but as people. I want to be friends. I want to know who they are inside.

When I went to the PCE club in June to give a talk themed on personal identity, I talked about who I am—Asian-American, Christian, daughter, sister, friend, student, etc. But I said that beneath all that, I am just a human being. The Bethel children are orphans, but before that they are human beings. I don’t know why some were born blind or with mental disabilities, why Chun Yu was born with cortical vision impairment or why Xiao Guang was abused and neglected for over 13 years of his life, but I know they were created to love and be loved. Why do they have to suffer with sadness over having no parents, experience pain from eye diseases, and (for many) live their whole lives without being able to support themselves?

I have thought about how I would answer if any of the kids asked, “Why am I this way?” I would tell them I don’t know, but what I do know is that without you, I would not be who I am now. Do you know what kind of difference you have made and are making in my life? I am grateful to know you and be your friend. You are a great blessing to me and many other people. I love you.

At church the other day, we sang Amazing Grace in several different languages—Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Russian, French, etc. Still, Chinese was the most moving, and this is how it goes:

奇异恩典，何等甘甜，

我罪全得赦免；

前我失丧，今已归家，

瞎眼今得看见。

It made me look at the last verse in a new way. “Was blind, but now I see.” I thought of the times I have heard Li Qin or the other students sing this song. I wonder what kind of meaning this line has for them. Do they think, I am blind, but still I see?

Casting Crowns’ “And Now My Lifesong Sings” adds more to that song.

I once was blind, but now I see

I don’t know how, but when He touched me,

I once was blind, but now I see.

That, then, adds more to my answer to the question, “Why am I this way?”

I don’t know, but He has touched me through you. I am blind in different ways than you, but through Him we can both see. I love you because He first loved us.

Along with Chun Yu, Li Long (李龙) is in the sick room with a fever. Except you could never tell unless you felt his skin. He is the most hyperactive kid I have ever met. He never stops talking unless he is eating or sleeping. He has a speech impediment and a learning disability, but he is very cute and always smiles.

Yesterday and today I spent a lot of time in the sick room playing with the kids. I have compiled some classic Li Long moments. I guess most of the humor is in Chinese, but I will translate it too.

1. For fun, I said to him, "你是谁？" He replied, "我是我!"

2. One of the nannies told him not to give that answer and taught him to respond by saying, "我是Ni Nong!" (Speech impediment) (words are accompanied by a manly 6 year old beating of the chest)

3. Today I said to him, "我是我，你是你。" He responded with, "我不是你！我是Ni Nong!"

4. Earlier today he said "闭嘴！" to me, I think, and the older nanny said he shouldn't say that to "姐姐。" He said, "我是对你说！"

5. Later, he said out of the blue, "不应该对大姐姐说闭嘴，应该说您。您闭嘴！"



Translation:

1. For fun, I said to him, "Who are you?" He replied, "I am me!"

2. One of the nannies told him not to give that answer and taught him to respond by saying, "I am Ni Nong!" (Speech impediment) (words are accompanied by a manly 6 year old beating of the chest)

3. Today I said to him, "I am me, you are you." He responded with, "I am not you! I am Ni Nong!"

4. Earlier today he said "Shut up!" to me, I think, and the older nanny said he shouldn't say that to "older sister." He said, "I'm saying it to you！"

5. There are two forms of the word "you." One, ni, is for normal conversation. The other, nin, is used to show respect and courtesy. Later, he said out of the blue, "I shouldn't say shut up to older sister. I should say shut up, you (nin)!"

Recently I felt more tired and wanted more time to myself. It's starting to be challenging to deal with little privacy as there are many volunteers in this house, and little time to be alone and reflect on my life. Right now I'm alone in the living room, as everyone else has gone to bed. I have still learned important lessons, though, and I know I will continue to learn more.

The weekend was fun. I saw more friends and even some unexpected people like Weijie at a Harvard alumni gathering. Once I started volunteering again on Monday, though, I suddenly felt weary and easily annoyed at the older students. Monday and Tuesday were both like that. It was hard to teach piano and be patient as most of the students have to go over one measure for fifteen minutes before getting it right. It is hard at night in English corner when a girl who is the same age as me acts like a 10 year old and the other girls are all grabbing for my attention. It was a sharp contrast from my earlier enthusiasm and warmth toward all the children. I was confused as to why there was such a big turnaround, and I was concerned that if this is only my third week volunteering, how will I last through the next several weeks until September?

But now I am thinking, how will I last through the last day when I have to leave? I only have six weeks left here? It seems like a short time. I found 1 Timothy 1:12-17 quite inspiring. The apostle Paul is thankful that he is saved by a merciful God. God has been so gracious to him, and he considers himself the worst of sinners. Christ shines through him, then, so that he is an example of the mercy that has been shown him. It is easy for me to forget my place. I am easily proud and believe I deserve all the blessings I have, and I am ungrateful for what I have been given in abundance. That makes me more prone to judge others and be demanding and unmerciful. But these verses reminded me of my proper place and how I should be grateful and love others instead of criticizing them and wishing they were different. The children are a blessing, not a burden. They are teaching me patience and love, and they themselves are loving and happy.

Last night, Chun Yu (Lucy), a four year old girl, had to be put in the sick room on the same floor as my room. I have really cared for her from the beginning. She is beautiful and tragic. She has CVI (cortical vision impairment) which means her eyes are fine, but her brain is damaged and she therefore cannot see. She must have a bunch of other problems too, because most of the time she just sits in place and doesn't move. She hardly talks unless someone asks her a question, and she only responds in short sentences. Her face is blank unless she is crying, and she cries whenever anyone moves her a little too quickly or roughly, like when we play Ring around the Rosy in English class.

I think Chun Yu knows my name. They all call me 安姐姐(An jiejie). Tonight, the nanny who was watching her and the other sick child, Li Long, went to give Li Long a bath and asked me to watch Chun Yu. I sat with her on the couch and talked to her. I told her my mom and sister are visiting next week. She played with my name tag for a while. It was encouraging to even see that her hands were moving constantly instead of being still at her sides. I wondered what it would be like to have this kind of child. All parents hope for children who respond to their love. Chun Yu doesn't respond to anyone. She was neglected for the early part of her life; maybe that's part of the problem. I prayed for her in Chinese and English as we sat there. I don't know what this four year old girl's life will be like, but I hope she is happy and safe.

This is the link to her bio on the Bethel site, and you can see more pictures of her by clicking on the arrows in the first picture.

http://www.bethelchina.org/english/About%20children/Chun%20yu.htm

More on other kids later.

Today’s biology class was pretty gross. Laurie and her son Adam apparently went to the Muslim village nearby and ordered a butcher to give them the organs of a goat. There were eyeballs, lungs, the heart, the trachea, an intestine, the liver, and the brain. We let all the kids touch them to learn about the organs in their own bodies. The organs had a disgusting smell of course, and I, being the translator, had to stand right next to them as Laurie held the hands of each kid and made them touch the organs. It was funny to see the different reactions of the kids.

Xiao Guang (Sam), the only boy in the older students’ group, is usually quiet and does whatever people tell him to do. So he just walked up to the organ table without showing fear or disgust. But once Laurie put his hand on the brain, his voice jumped up an octave. That was pretty funny.

Xiao Hua (Christina) said she was all ready, but once she touched the brain she flinched back and started acting scared. She also happens to have some kind of giggling disease, so not a minute goes by without giggles or loud laughter coming from her. Not that that’s a bad thing. She laughed a lot as she held a goat brain and pressed down on goat lungs.

Li Ming (Charlotte) is a pretty stubborn and sometimes belligerent girl, but she’s a hard worker and can be cute. Being her headstrong self, she took the brain from Laurie and squeezed it. I thought it would pop and I’d have to wash brain bits from my clothing tonight. Fortunately, that didn’t happen.

Then for lunch (which is delivered from a cheap local restaurant every day) we happened to have a dish with lamb in it. It kind of smelled like the goat organs, except in a non-raw, steamed way. Mmmmm organs…

English Corner has been quite interesting.

This is an optional time for the older girls to come talk to the volunteers and practice their English. It's from 6:45-7:45 PM every weekday except Wednesday.

Li Qin, Li Ying, Xiao Hua, and Wen Jun always come. For the first week it was rather disorganized. Sarah and Teresa, who usually go, can't speak Chinese, so they need me or Christine to translate. The room is full of exclamations like "安姐姐，你可以告诉Sarah..." which means "Ann, can you tell Sarah..." along with whatever the kids want to talk to me about directly.

Even when we have four volunteers there so that each girl has one person to pay attention to her, it's still very noisy and hard to handle. The girls all want so much attention. Two of them have yet to learn how to give other people their personal space, and they are pretty impatient when people don't respond to them right away.

Yesterday we tried a different format. Instead of a free-for-all, we made everyone be quiet until they were called on. We played a guessing game where one volunteer would describe an object in English and the kids had to guess what it was. Then we played telephone. Now we're thinking that in the future we should try to have one volunteer talk to one girl at a time so that it's not a free-for-all, but it's also not like a classroom.

I am getting faster at translating, and even when I don't translate something accurately, the kids figure out what we're trying to help them learn. I wonder how I can take over English classes next week when Teresa leaves. It seems like time is passing quickly. This week is already half over.

Christine suggested that I translate some resources about autism because a lot of kids here are autistic. That should be a challenge not just because the translation would be hard, but also because there are so many differing opinions on autism, and there is really no set treatment for autistic kids. I am not sure if anything I translate would be useful to the nannies who deal with the kids every day.

We now have internet in our house. I can make calls to people in the US with skype. I hope to settle down further and start reading literature again.

The past weekend was busy and fun.

On Friday afternoon I went into Beijing with Li Xue. Her volunteering time is over--we'll miss her. I had a nice dinner with my uncle and his parents. Most of my relatives usually ask what I want to do in the future, and I don't really know. For now I say law school is an option, after I earn some money for myself for maybe two years post-graduation.

On Saturday I went to my other uncle and aunt's house on the Qinghua University campus. I ate this really interesting pita/calzone looking thing with spinach and meat inside. They called it Chinese pizza, but pizza isn't shaped like a calzone. I watched Ice Age 2 and realized the Chinese subtitles on a lot of movies are definitely not up to par. We went out to the 圆明园, the emperor's summer resort that was burned by the European allied troops when they invaded China. At night I watched the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and the Bourne Identity. The second movie was awesome. I have to see the Bourne Supremacy sometime soon.

On Sunday I went to the 9:30 AM service of the international church, the Beijing International Christian Fellowship (BICF) in the 21st Century Theater. There were thousands there as usual. The 9:30 AM service is bilingual, so there was a Chinese man translating for the preacher. The message was about fishing for people, or 得人如得鱼一样. It was about how God uses people in all different ways and gives people gifts and talents to serve Him by reaching others. This past year in ABSK I have started to discover my gift of witnessing and evangelizing. Here in China I am still witnessing, not openly or brashly, but on a personal level and hopefully there will be fruit in the future.

On Sunday afternoon I went to the home of a friend, a Harvard alumnus. It was a relaxing afternoon going outside and shopping, watching him play a videogame, and finally going to another friend's house at night. I went to Cici's house and had dinner with her family. The potstickers they made were really good. I was so glad to see Cici again. It's only the third time we've met, but we are like sisters.

On Monday morning Cici and I drove to Bethel and she stayed around for a day, helping with translation and piano lessons. At night we went out for a relaxing drive and had dinner in the downtown area of Lang Fang.

Every weekend hereafter I want to see more and more people. This summer is so rewarding, not only because of being able to work with kids, but because I can meet a lot of friends, both Chinese and non-Chinese, who have been drawn to China for one reason or another.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LYNN CHAO!

Upsetting experience #1: CCTV arrives with a whole bunch of young people and a black jazz singer who fundraised with Bethel before. Right now they’re out on the lawn singing and getting filmed. Those young people (mostly tall young men with punkish looking hair) are sitting behind the children and clapping with them. I have no idea who they are; I guess they’re just here to provide a nice background for the video. But why not the nannies and volunteers already here?

Maybe my annoyance has no grounds and I’m just irritated for no good reason. Actually, just this second I found out from Audrey that those people are minor actors and actresses. I wonder if they’re here to just show their faces on TV.

30 minutes later: Sarah came into the office to take a breather from the filming. The kids were making paper mache eye models…or rather, the celebrity-wannabe guys were making the models for them so that they could be filmed in their little video as really awesome people helping these poor children. They wanted a finished eye model to show the TV audience that the project was finished, but Sarah told them paper mache takes days to dry, so they just stopped the kids in the middle of the project and are having them say goodbye so it looks nice on camera. The kids are all saying, What about our arts and crafts?

Ah, the media. My annoyance has grounds.

Today is the fourth day of volunteering. Every day has been really great. Here's what I've done so far:

7:10 AM woke up! Never woke up that early so far. Last night, another volunteer arrived, so we talked with her for a while after breakfast. Her name is Christine and she is a music teacher from Long Island. She will be so good for the kids since they all love to sing. Anyway, after breakfast we talked about Chinese, Taiwanese, Cantonese, and ABCs (American Born Chinese). We happened to have one woman from each category. Li Xue-Chinese, Christine-Taiwanese, Elisa-Cantonese, me-ABC. Christine said a lot of people in Taiwan call ABC's "bananas." w00t.

8:30 AM English class for preschoolers begins. We sat in a big room on the first floor with about 9 kids. Some of the kids have attention problems and learn slowly, but others learn quickly. We have three little boys, Li Long, Xia Bao, and Zhi Wei. I realized that Li Long is the name of a Soul Blade character (Soul Blade was the precursor to the game Soul Calibur), but no one else knows what I'm talking about (only Andrew and Lynn probably would). Zhi Wei is extra tiny because he was malnourished for the first two years of his life. When he arrived at Bethel his face was disfigured, but now he has filled out somewhat and looks very cute. His voice is really high-pitched. Today we walked in a circle while holding onto whoever was in front of us, and said, "we are walking" over and over to teach them words. The girl in front of Zhi Wei wouldn't let him hold onto her shoulders, so he got angry and refused to sing afterwards. He just kept repeating “她不让我拉她!”　in a voice that's as high-pitched as the egg song or Alvin and the Chipmunks.

9:00 - 10:00 AM Sitting in the office reading and writing emails, editing essays for my online job.

10:00 - 11:00 AM Translating for Sarah's anatomy class, this time for the older children. Yesterday I translated for the young kids. Sarah taught them about parts of the eye (cornea, retina, iris, etc.). It was interesting to learn the terms for those in Chinese (角膜，视网膜，虹膜，etc.). Yesterday with the little kids, we used lychee (荔枝) as eyeballs for them to feel with their hands, and they knew right away that the "eyeballs" were just fruit, I guess because they are used to the feel of things with their hands. But today two of the older kids were afraid to touch the "eyeballs."

11:00 AM - 12:30 PM Talking with other volunteers, editing more essays. Showed Justin and Christian (Elisa and Wei's children) some Teen Girl Squad episodes.

12:30 PM - 1:00 PM Lunch at house #22 where we live with the other volunteers. Nine of us were at the table, and Teresa was upstairs sleeping. Food is delivered from a local restaurant. It's almost always vegetable dishes accompanied by white rice and bread.

1:15 - 2:15 PM Translating for English class for the older students (first time doing that on my own for the most part). Not bad! Teresa is the teacher and is really patient. Li Xue is also a great help. I'm glad that she let me do it, actually, although I was hesitant at first, because she is leaving this weekend and I will have to take over translation next week. We reviewed "I/you/he/she" and "we/you/they." We sang a round with "Row row row your boat" and then practiced the recorder. Teresa brought a recorder for each student.

2:15 - 3:00 PM Piano lesson with Chun Bin. She's 7 or 8, I think. Her fingers are really stiff when she plays, so I tried to make a "petting the cat" analogy with how to touch the keys. There are actually two cats that live in the bathroom next to the piano room, so the kids are all familiar with cats.

3:00 - now Sitting in the office talking with other volunteers, making notes about the piano students, got a weekly schedule from Delphine, showed some more Teen Girl Squad episodes to Christian and Justin.

I will be teaching piano again in half an hour, and then we'll all go back to our house and wait for dinner to arrive. Still no Internet in the house yet.

So far I have taught four students piano. They are all so sweet.

The first day in the early afternoon I taught Li Qin, the oldest student here. She speaks English better than the rest and has basic knowledge of piano--scales, chords, and other technical terms. She has not really learned to play any songs, so I am trying to teach her Amazing Grace. She got the melody right away, since the children sing it quite often. It was great that she has good listening skills. She is learning the bass chords for Amazing Grace.

My second student on Monday was Li Ying, another teenage girl. She is more talkative than Li Qin, very polite and outgoing. She is also learning Amazing Grace. At English corner at night, she is kind of shy with her English, but laughs a lot and makes a good effort.

My first student yesterday, Tuesday, was Wen Jun. She is pretty outgoing and is really eager to learn and show off. I taught her an exercise from book 2 of the Dozen a Day series, which I loathed as a child, but she liked it. Out of nowhere in the middle of the lesson she said "xiexie laoshi!" which means "thank you teacher!"

My second student yesterday was Xiao Hua. We didn't play much piano. She just talked about Adrian (last year's China Care volunteer) a lot. She kept saying she missed him and talked about all the cool stuff he did for the kids. Her English is also very good. She showed up at English corner and talked with Teresa a lot. She is really adorable and has a cute laugh.

I realize these children never forget the people who care about them, even if they're volunteering for only a month. They miss people like Adrian and always ask when they're coming back. It's hard to answer; I just say "I don't know." A lot of people go in and out of their lives except for Guillaume, Delphine, and the nannies. The overseas volunteers are only here for a few weeks. I'm here for two months, but that's still a short amount of time. The summer must be their favorite time of year since every day they have so many activities to do (arts and crafts, English class, social skills class, anatomy class, music, sports, etc.).

I also realize the value of music to these kids. Although I like to play piano, I don't appreciate listening to long concerts or CDs of classical music. I can easily fall asleep during a concert or daydream instead of paying attention. Yesterday I played a few songs for the kids, and before the first one I was afraid they would be distracted and bored, but instead they paid close attention and were very quiet. They broke out into applause at the end of the song because they really liked it. I have taken music for granted, but they don't. Most of them like to sing and hear songs. They know a lot of hymns. Yesterday morning the Bethel choir performed with Guillaume playing piano and Delphine singing.

There is one song called "Jing Bai Ni, Yesu" which means "worship you, Jesus," and it is going to be on Stephen Curtis Chapman's next CD as sung by the Bethel choir. It is such a beautiful song, composed by Guillaume and some of the girls. I tried to sing along but there some parts where I was choked up so I couldn't.

We are getting wireless in the living quarters soon, so hopefully I can blog more often before I go to sleep. For now, we have to be in the office to use the Internet, and the office closes at 5.

On the weekend I will go to Beijing and visit my relatives. The following Friday, Angela and her family will be here; it should be really exciting to see her. Other friends are in Beijing--Michelle Yang, Erin Baggott, Cici, and some Chinese teachers from the Mandarin program I was in last summer.

I arrived at Bethel yesterday afternoon. The flight from Shanghai was smooth. I was picked up by two people working at Bethel; a university student named Xue and a recently hired driver, Mr. Zhang. They were very kind, and Xue and I talked a lot about random things--college life in America, college life in China, celebrities, movies, personal beliefs, etc.

We drove an hour south of Beijing to a small city called Lang Fang. It is quiet and not very populated. We are in a private quarter called Jing Jin Hua Yuan. Five houses in this cul-de-sac belong to Bethel. I met Guillaume and his wife Delphine, who are the founders and directors of Bethel. They have three children, all very cute. They showed me to my room, which I will share with five people who have yet to arrive. I am on the second floor of one of the buildings, and there are several other rooms for volunteers to stay in.

I met Sarah, Teresa, and Audrey from the States. Sarah and Audrey are both in their 20s. Teresa is probably in her 50s. Teresa has taught at a blind person's college in Washington DC, so she is using her experience to help the children here. Xue is supposed to be their translator as they teach English, social skills, and health. Sarah worked here last year and knew Adrian (another student at Harvard who taught music here last year).

At night Guillaume drove us to a street near the local university where there were some franchise restaurants. My first meal here was at Yoshinoya. It is a relief to see that serving sizes are small here; the "small" size for a DQ blizzard is around 6 oz instead of 12 oz as it would probably be in the US.

Delphine and Sarah just gave me a brief runthrough of my schedule. This week--

This week only--8:30 - 9 am translating for Teresa in house 17 upstairs for English lessons for preschoolers. will take over teaching after July 27^th when Teresa leaves

Everyday 1:15-2:15 pm translating forTeresa in house 17 upstairs for English lessons for older students (also taking over after July 27^th)

Everyday 2:15 to 3 pm piano lessons in house 17 first floor

Everyday 5-5:30 pm piano lessons

Mon, Tues, Thurs, Fri 6:45-7:45 pm English corner in house 21

This is pretty exciting! I am really glad to be here. I have no idea how I'm going to teach, and my translation skills are pretty poor, but hopefully everything will be great.

Short entry #2: leaving for China at 4:30 PM. I'll be going to Shanghai for a week to visit family, and then I will go to Bethel on July 9.

Less than 16 hours...