Yesterday I went to the hospital to pick up Chun Yu. There were two nannies with her who had been with her for the past week, sleeping on a rented stretcher-type bed every night. I thought about how dedicated they are to Chun Yu and the other children; they did not have to stay an entire week, but they volunteered to. Usually we would switch nannies every day.

Chun Yu has made significant progress already since the surgery. Before, if you asked her a question she could not answer, she would stay silent. Now, she can voice, "I don't know" (我不知道). Before, she would follow every command given to her seemingly without thinking. She would recite poems, sing songs, say hello and goodbye, etc. Now, she often refuses to listen to directions. I think she is starting to recognize her own will. I hope that soon she will be able to tell the difference between "you" and "me."

The doctors removed the bandage from her head. Now there is just a small cross-shaped scar on her forehead. I want to see it as a symbolic mark. Guillaume and Delphine and the volunteers prayed for her a lot, and I often prayed for her in the hospital room. I was so worried the day I heard she had a seizure. Now it seems things are looking much better. I hope she can join English class soon.

Speaking of English class, here is (finally) an update on what we do in English:

Preschool: At 8:30 the kids are usually all there in the living room in building 17 waiting with two nannies. I sit down and say "Good morning class," and they say "Good morning An jiejie." I usually start off with "How are you?" and some of them respond with "I'm fine, thank you." The younger ones just repeat what I say. We clap and count from 1 to 10. Recently I have made each of them stand up and walk around the circle, counting how many children there are in class. We sing the ABC's, once with me leading, and once by themselves. We sing Old MacDonald had a Farm, and they know plenty of animals by now: dog, cat, cow, bird, snake, bee, wolf, tiger, lion, chicken, sheep... We stand up and do the Hokey Pokey, which they are very good at now. We then do either London Bridge or In and Out the Window, then end with Ring around the Rosie. They sit down and I go around the circle with a box of crackers and ask each of them, "Do you want a cracker?" For weeks most of them still haven't gotten it right; they just repeat after me instead of saying "Yes please." Xin Ju and Chun Yan are older and do it correctly, but the others are maybe too young. After that I teach them a shape (square, triangle, etc.) and pass it around the circle. We play hot potato with the shape so when stop playing piano, whoever has the shape has to say the English name of it out loud. Then we always end with "If You're Happy and You Know It." The kids really love that song. I say goodbye to them, and then usually a bunch of them want to play with me before they have to go do exercises or take a walk with their nannies.

Students: The older students learn more advanced stuff, of course. Continuing from Theresa's lessons, we practice sentence structures like "Today I feel happy/sad/frustrated/excited... because..." and "Yesterday I went..." Recently I taught them "Before" and "After." One of the most fun activities for them is to pretend to bargain and shop. I have a bag of random items like a shirt, a towel, a roll of toilet paper, etc. that they can bargain for in English. Some of them are really funny because when they're the storeowner, they make the price go lower instead of higher...I guess some don't have much of an idea about how to buy things. On Fridays we have storytime; recently I have read Bible stories, and last week I told them a short version of Hansel and Gretel. I pause between sentences to let them try to translate. Most days at the end of English, we practice recorder. That is pretty hard because none of them can see me playing, so I have to try to give verbal directions and go from person to person to correct their fingering.

Piano lessons are different for each child. Li Qin is amazing; I am starting to teach her an easy version of Liebestraume III. I gave her the CD that came with the book, and I think if she listens to it, she can figure things out on her own. Li Ying needs more encouragement, but she is also talented. My problem with the way they have been taught music is that they all know Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do, but they don't know the lettered keys (A-G). I have to review the letters every week with them. Some of the younger kids are easily distracted but still talented. Others are not really musical. Since there are 8 of them who learn piano, not all of them can find time to practice, and some of them are lazy and don't care to practice (just like me). I feel like I haven't taught them much in piano. But we also have nice conversations and one on one time.

Delphine recently asked Chris and me to take over Arts and Crafts as well as preschool music since Audrey and Sarah left. We have made fans and finger puppets so far. Today I think we are going to try a lame-o project of chain bracelets or necklaces made out of paper. There are so many project ideas online, but we don't have the materials for them. It just happens that none of the toilet paper in the Bethel bathrooms have a cardboard tube in the middle; they're just rolls of paper. That cancels out all projects that require a cardboard tube.

We also teach music to the preschoolers and autistic children. We sing some children's songs in the book Christine left here. They get to use instruments like tambourines to keep the beat. Today we tried teaching them rhythm, 4/4 and 3/4. At the end, one kid at a time strummed Chris' guitar while another kid played piano with me, and we played Kumbayah together.

I only have a week left. I leave next Thursday on a 1:00 PM flight. It feels like I've been here a really long time, especially since so many volunteers have come and gone while I'm still here. Melanie (a French volunteer who teaches Delphine and Guillaume's children) just moved into an apartment yesterday. The two Beijing volunteers left this morning. Now it's just me and Chris. We have fun, though. Sometimes Isaac comes over to learn guitar from him. Most nights we just play videogames...the wonder of SNES9x and ROM files. We beat Turtles in Time twice so far on easy and hard. I also have to finish watching LOST (and probably start writing stories about it afterward).

Still trying to think of plans for this weekend; it's my last one here, so I better make it memorable.

There are over 50 staff members at Bethel, including administrative staff, cleaning ladies, cooks, and nannies, to take care of 31 kids. In comparison, the Luoyang state orphanage has over 600 kids with about 200 staff to take care of them. And still many children at Bethel seem so needy for attention.

I think it is rare in Chinese culture for people to really care about and love children who are not one's own, and I think it's even rarer when it comes to handicapped children. The nannies here are paid to take care of children for most of the day; each nanny is in charge of 2 or 3 kids, I think. All of them show the kind of love a mother has for her own children. A requirement Bethel has for all nannies is that they have to already have their own kid so they know how to raise a child. But most of the week the nannies are here at Bethel instead of at home with their own flesh and blood. I wonder how their families are affected by their job.

Guillaume said that when sometimes he asks the nannies how their kids are, they automatically assume he's talking about the Bethel children, so they go on and on about how Xia Bao and Xia Lu or Chun Yan and Xin Ju are doing. They seem to really think of these orphans as their own children. Last week at the hospital, the doctors woke up Chun Yu to mark her face with stickers before the surgery. She started to cry and struggle, and two of the nannies held her feet and hands so she wouldn't mess things up. By the time the stickers were on, there were tears in both the nannies' eyes. I can only imagine how hard it was two days ago for the nanny who watched Chun Yu have a seizure. She said that when she was feeding Chun Yu some fruit, suddenly the girl's hands couldn't reach her mouth, and they kept shaking back and forth. Then she stopped breathing. That would probably scare the wits out of any mother.

But I still do wonder how much time the nannies get to spend with their own kids. What they do at Bethel does not seem to be nothing more than paid work. It is much more meaningful than what they could get elsewhere, but does it take away from their own family life? Is it worth their toiling here to give their hearts to orphans while their own kids miss their mothers at home?

Yesterday afternoon Chun Yu had two seizures within two hours and Guillaume decided to send another nanny to watch her. I was really worried so I went too. The doctor said it was not abnormal for people who just had surgery to have seizures. I just hope it's not something that will happen regularly. It was hard to watch the nurse stick needles in her every hour either for drawing blood or for the IV. The two nannies and I would hold her arms and legs and tell her she's brave and that she shouldn't move. She would sometimes repeat "brave," and "don't move" as she started crying.

I stayed over at a friend's house and went back to the hospital this morning. Color had returned to her face and she was more talkative. Well, she started talking about food again, so she is more normal now. She always talks about eating "tasty food." One of her many general answers. Usually if I ask her, "what do you like to eat?" she answers, "I like to eat tasty food." If I ask her, "What do you like to play with?" she answers, "I like to play with toys." I wonder if her brain will quickly recover from the delay in development it had from the tumor. I won't be here to see her change in personality and temperament. I hope she's okay and doesn't become epileptic or even more delayed.

I'm thinking of taking the afternoon off to rest instead of teaching. My voice is shot from this weekend, and I was feeling sick as I left for the hospital yesterday. I hope tonight I can go into town and get a massage.

Lunchtime

This weekend was awesome and tiring. Saturday morning was actually the first time in a long time I got to sit alone and do nothing for a couple of hours. Sarah, Audrey, Laurie, Adam, and Chris left at 5:30 AM for the airport. They all got to where they were going safely (the first four to the US, Chris to Guangzhou). At 11 I went to Beijing for lunch with my uncle and a Harvard graduate student he sponsors through a fellowship. Then I went to the airport to pick up Won Hee (my roommate at college). She flew over from Seoul and was able to visit for two days.

Saturday afternoon we checked into Leo Hostel near Qianmen. It's in a pretty messy area with lots of street vendors, souvenir shops, rickshaws, etc. Our room was decent, though. We checked out Hongqiao (Pearl Market) and had dinner in Wangfujing. We went to a toy store to get a doll for Chun Yu. Sunday we went to church, then to the hospital and saw Chun Yu in ICU; she was happy and responsive to conversation. It was sad to see her though because she has a tube coming out of her head with yellow fluid in it going into a bag. I think they get about 100-200 ml out each day. Her hands were also tied down so she wouldn't try to remove the tube.

For both nights Won Hee was here, we got massages at a place next to the hostel. It was more expensive than Lang Fang, but the conditions were poor. It was nice chatting with the women who work there. They work from 7 am to 1 am or whenever the last customer leaves; they live in the building they work and hardly get to go home (various rural provinces).

This morning (Monday) we went back to Bethel and Won Hee got to see the children in class and out of class. Since Chris isn't here, I taught music and had a lot of fun with the preschoolers learning a new verse of the Hokey Pokey. I also played piano for half an hour for the autistic children who aren't responsive to speech or most actions. They seemed very happy afterward; one boy hugged me, and the girl hugged Won Hee.

In the afternoon I went to the airport to see Won Hee off, and then I went to the hospital again. Chun Yu wasn't so happy this time because she had just gotten the medicine injected into her brain, and she seemed to have a fever. Still, she said hello and goodbye on command from the nanny, as usual. I gave her the doll I bought and said it had just had surgery too, so she could take care of it and be its friend. She didn't care too much for the doll. But since the day we took her to this hospital, she has liked playing with the tag and chain on my Coach handbag. So I left the tag and chain with her; she held them as she slept.

It's still too early to tell if Chun Yu will regain vision or develop into a mentally adept child. God can work miracles; another child, Xin Ju, was so malnourished and small when she got to Bethel that Delphine thought she would surely die. Instead, in the span of several weeks, she grew incredibly (and abnormally) quickly as she was well taken care of, and is now a happy, very intelligent, healthy child. I pray the same thing might happen for Chun Yu.

It's pretty empty in this building. I miss the volunteers who left. Laurie and Adam's sense of humor, talking and praying with Sarah, playing with the kids with Audrey, conversations with all of them...it won't be the same without them all here. I regret not spending time with them on weekends; I always went off with family or friends in Beijing instead of going with Bethel volunteers on their adventures. Now there's just Chris and me left to teach music and English. I'm not too good with arts and crafts, sports, or cooking, so I think I'll just stick with the classes we already have.

One awesome moment Won Hee and I shared this weekend was singing praise on the subway and on the street. We got stares; first, we were smiling, which most people do not do in public...and we were singing together, which no one does. And we sang lyrics like, "You can have all this world, but give me Jesus."

The operation went well today! Chun Yu cried a little when the doctors woke her up to mark her face with stickers. Other than that, she just lay there and said, "妈妈，吃饭" (Mama, I want to eat food) like she usually does. We rolled her gurney outside to get somewhere she could get an MRI, then rolled it back to the main part of the 住院部to start anesthetics and the operation. The operation only took 20 minutes. The doctors inserted a needle through her forehead and extracted 70-80% of the fluid in the cyst. Over the next two days, the rest of the fluid will be continuously pulled out through a tube. On Monday, the irradiation medicine will be inserted into the front of her brain to kill remaining cells. She can come back to Bethel on Wednesday or Thursday.

We are all waiting for what kind of person she will be. Laurie says that her personality will totally change. I hope she makes a full recovery mentally. Vision-wise, it's a very small chance for her to gain any vision back since the tumor has been there for two years or more.

Won Hee is coming to visit me for the weekend! Hopefully we can go to a toy store together and buy a doll for Chun Yu. Guillaume suggested buying a doll and telling her that the doll also had surgery, so she could sympathize with it and take care of it.

Rewind: On Thursday night the volunteers all went out to downtown Lang Fang and hit up an arcade. The arcade was like nothing I've seen in the US. About half or more of the rides moved; you sat down in a Hummer or a racing boat or even a merry-go-round horse (for the ranch game). My favorite was a game where you shot balls through air guns at a big screen where ugly-looking insects were floating around. I felt like I was avenging myself for all the mosquito bites I've gotten.

Afterward we got a massage for the second night in a row, but it was full body, not just feet.

We had a party for the volunteers who are leaving. The kids all had something nice to say to thank each volunteer. Some cried. It was very sad to see Chun Bin cry; there's a few pictures of her on my webshots, and she is almost always smiling. When she cried in front of Audrey, I asked her if she wanted to tellAudrey anything, and she just tearfully said, "Goodbye," and hugged Audrey.

I will probably visit Chun Yu on Sunday. I pray for her continued recovery and a miracle for her mind to be fine and her vision to be restored.

Chun Yu's operation will start on Friday morning at the Navy hospital. She is well taken care of--everyone there seems to love her because she's so pretty. We were able to get a room just for her and the nanny taking care of her. The doctor who will perform the operation is a renowned expert. The operation has a 99% success rate. We're still praying she will be fine, and everything will work out to our highest expectations.

In other news, we had an awesome time tonight (Wednesday). We decided to take the maid who cleans our house to dinner along with her family. Her name is Li Yun and she lives on a farm a few minutes from here. Her family has been in Lang Fang since they were very young, and the place where they live has a totally different atmosphere than the new development area (kai fa qu). It seemed like her parents had never been in cabs before; I was in the same cab as her parents as we went to pick up her husband on the way to the restaurant.

Their house is very interesting. Although the dirt path outside is pretty worn out and uneven, and there aren't many cars in the area, the roof of their house has a high-tech-looking solar powered generator to heat water. It can used stored energy for up to 36 hours if the sun's not out. It would be cool to have that in the US.

8 of us (Isaac, Chris, Adam, Laurie, Sarah, Audrey, Melanie, and I) took the five of them (Li Yun, her husband, her parents, and her four year old daughter) to a restaurant in downtown Lang Fang. Among the Bethel people, only Isaac (Bethel's 24 year old webmaster) and I could speak Chinese, so we conversed with Li Yun's family and translated for the volunteers.

Afterward we went to sing karaoke, all 13 of us in a big room. It was pretty fun, a nice mix of English and Chinese, including Backstreet Boys, the Beatles, Michael Jackson, Disney songs, a Chinese national song, Chinese love songs, etc. We ended with Twist and Shout, which almost everyone danced to. Li Yun's little daughter was dancing the whole time in her fluffy white dress. It was very cute.

Afterward we paid for a cab to send Li Yun's family home. We made an ice cream run at McDonald's and decided to go for a massage. That was pretty fun. 6 of us were in the same room getting a foot massage. It was only 30 RMB per hour. That's less than 4 dollars.

It was nice to do something fun with the other volunteers. Every weekend, I go out to Beijing to see relatives or friends instead of hanging out with people at Bethel. Especially since Laurie, Adam, Sarah, and Audrey are leaving this Saturday, I feel closer to them and that I should really treasure the time I have left with them.

Volunteering has not just been about the kids. It's also about the friendships that have been built among the volunteers. We eat lunch and dinner together every day, see each other in classes, go to the supermarket together, watch LOST together, and look out for each other. Some of us pray together. Everyone has left an impression on me, and I'm really glad to know them. We have the same goal of making the kids happy and teaching them useful things. I guess that unites us from our different backgrounds. I'm going to miss them as much as I miss the children, but at least I have a greater chance of seeing them in the US than seeing the kids in China.

Praise be.

This morning we (Guillaume, Sarah, Jamie--who just arrived yesterday and arranged an appointment through a relative, a nanny, and I) went to the hospital to pick up Chun Yu. Li Xue met us there. We had no problems checking Chun Yu out. We had lunch and went to Tiantan hospital, which looked more like a train station than a hospital because of how crowded it was and how the windows were shaped like ticket offices. We talked to several doctors who were intrigued by the fact we're all from a foster home for the blind. They at first thought Chun Yu's problem was a cyst, but once they did a CT scan, they found out it was indeed a tumor resting on her optic nerve, 4-5 cm across.

They offered a rather pessimistic diagnosis of the situation. There were two options: 1) perform a high-risk surgery to cut out the tumor, 2) extract the tumor through a needle and give her drugs to kill the harmful cells. Both of them would not get rid of the tumor permanently, there would definitely be recurrence, and there was a slim chance of recovering normal brain development and a 0% chance of recovering vision. The situation looked pretty grim. The doctor said we could go to the Navy hospital to explore the 2nd option, since Tiantan is only specialized with the 1st option.

We went to the Navy hospital, and Guillaume, Sarah, and Li Xue went into a room to speak with a doctor. Turns out this doctor was very optimistic, totally different attitude than the Tiantan doctors.

Chun Yu can stay in the Navy hospital starting tomorrow; Li Xue, a nanny, and I will go to the hospital to check her in and handle the paperwork and deposit.

She will have the needle procedure done starting on Friday, and they will spread out the procedure over four or five days to prevent hemorrhaging. She'll be done in 7-10 days and can come back to Bethel.

The tumor will grow back, but it's inevitable no matter what procedure we choose; we just have to deal with the recurrence when the time comes. The doctor is hopeful that her brain can develop normally and maybe her vision will come back (slim chance though) once the tumor is removed.

Hopefully she will be back at Bethel or the procedure will be done at least by the time my mom and sister come to Beijing.

I'm so thankful that the news from the new hospital is good. I hope everything continues to go well.

On Sunday after church, a bunch of us went to the hospital to see Chun Yu. She was happy to see us and kept repeating to her nanny, "Sisters have come to see you." She can't differentiate between the linguistic concepts of "you" and "me." There was only one complaint about the hospital from the nanny--there was one nurse who was really mean and yelled at Chun Yu because she was moving her arm as the nurse poked around for a vein (I guess to draw blood).

One nurse at the hospital was nervous that a bunch of foreigners were there, but she answered our questions patiently. The surgery is a high-risk one, and the hospital still doesn't know what date on which to perform the surgery. We are going to try to transfer Chun Yu to Tiantan hospital, which is the best in neurology in China. Please pray everything goes well with that transfer; we hope there is room for her--Tiantan is packed all the time because everyone wants to go there for treating neurological problems.

We will leave at 9:30 AM to go to the hospital and hopefully be able to transfer her tomorrow or Tuesday.

In other news, Laurie and Adam came back from touring China, and they'll have a lot to tell the kids in English class. Chris is going to Guangzhou next weekend to meet up with his family as they will adopt a girl (their second adopted child!). Audrey and Sarah will leave next weekend; sad. Christine will leave Tuesday.

At night we've started watching Lost at Chris' recommendation, most of us downstairs in the living room watching one laptop. It's kind of creepy, kind of slow-moving, but pretty good. I suspect I will get addicted if I watch more.

Tonight I went to Guillaume and Delphine's house (only two houses away) and listened to Delphine tell her story about how she ended up running Bethel with her husband. The story about how they met and eventually got married is inspiring too.

I keep saying that I will update soon with more details on my daily life, how I teach the kids, what individual kids are like, and details about my surroundings. Maybe tomorrow or some other time. I will keep updating about Chun Yu this week. I feel a lot of personal responsibility for her because I have been put in charge of her situation, informally, I guess, after a conversation with the director Sunday night.

Thank you, whoever you are, for reading this and thinking about the children, especially Chun Yu.

Found out that Chun Yu is at the First Hospital of Beijing University (Beijing Daxue Diyi Yiyuan). The chairperson (head surgeon?) of the hospital took notice of her and got her a room right away after one was vacated (the hospital was full last night). We are hoping he will be the one to do the surgery. Please pray that he will decide to perform the surgery himself and that everything will go smoothly.

Bethel has also had trouble with the orphanage she is originally from. The surgery is very costly, and I don't think they're happy that they might be held responsible if something goes wrong--thus they are giving Bethel a hard time with getting permission for the surgery. Please pray for the hearts of the people working at that orphanage to be softened and that everyone would put the needs of the child first.

I will try to visit her on Sunday if possible.

I am so grateful for everyone who is out there reading this and keeping Chun Yu in your thoughts and prayers.

http://community.webshots.com/user/achao913

Those are most of the pictures I have taken so far.

Just found out that Chun Yu's tumor is near or in her pituitary gland. Also found out that there are no brain surgeons in the international hospitals in Beijing, so she will probably be operated on by Chinese surgeons. I don't know how safe that will be. Please continue to pray for her, that there would be a chance for her to leave the country for surgery or have a foreign doctor come here for her.

I will see her in class in the morning. It's hard to treat her the same as the other children. Every morning I go around the circle of preschool kids and ask each one of them if they want to have a cookie, and I hold out a bag and wait for them to say, "Yes, please." I sometimes want to just stop at Chun Yu and hold her instead of teaching. Even though she just copies what I say and seems not to think on her own, she can still stretch out her arms to tell me she wants to be held. She has been smiling and laughing recently in a sweet but heartbreakingly detached way.

Daily bread, give us daily bread,
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed,
Fill our cups, and fill them up again tonight.
Wrap us up and warm us through,
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs,
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time.
Or maybe not, not today,
Maybe You'll provide in other ways,
And if that's the case,

We'll give thanks to You,
With gratitude,
A lesson learned to hunger after You,
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead,
And if we never taste that bread.

Please provide for her, Lord. Thank You for all You've done already and all You will do.

Amazing news! Chun Yu went to the hospital today to get a checkup, and the doctor insisted on doing an MRI on her. Bethel didn't want it because it's quite expensive, but the doctor did it for free.

They found out that all her physical discomfort, mental slowness, and vision problems are caused by a brain tumor the size of a fist. It's operable, Bethel has enough money to do the surgery, and the doctors can do it whenever Bethel is ready. If they remove the tumor, they hope she can become a normal healthy child.

Please pray for Chun Yu. Pray for the doctors to be skillful and wise in performing the surgery and that Chun Yu will be able to heal fully.

The first night Chun Yu stayed in the sick room, I prayed over her and asked God to protect her and heal her. I prayed clumsily in Chinese, saying that I know He is all-powerful and can heal her, but even if He does not heal her, I prayed that He would provide for her to have a happy life. I didn't really expect for her vision and mental health to be restored miraculously. But God works in many ways--perhaps this is the start to her recovery. Right now I am thinking a lot of big thoughts--if I were 30 years old (the legal requirement for adoption), I would try my hardest to adopt her. But I'm just 19. I will continue to trust that she's in good hands, and God will take care of her just like He takes care of all the other children at Bethel.

Please pray for her!

I was going to write a long post about the details of my weekdays, but I learned an important lesson recently and I wanted to share it.

Since I first came to Bethel, some of the older kids ask me every day about last year's volunteer from Harvard. I had a meal with him in the spring to find out more about Bethel, but I'm not close friends with him. Xiao Hua and Xiao Guang in particular are constantly asking questions about him, where he is right now, when he's coming back, and sometimes just repeat his name over and over. It doesn't bother me, but it makes me curious as to how he made such a huge impression on the students that they still miss him a year later. After all, they see tons of volunteers every summer who are kind to them and fun to be with. I wondered what he did that was different.

Friday night, I found out some more from Guillaume and Delphine.

Guillaume said this volunteer was absolutely amazing at piano, and Delphine added that the most amazing thing was his humility. There was one time last summer when a famous American pianist came to do a fundraiser or something for Bethel, and Guillaume set up his professional keyboard outside on the lawn. She said something snobbish like she could have brought her grand piano here if she had known that they were going to use a keyboard. She bragged that the Chinese say her fingers are the fastest in the world. Then she performed and played something really simple like Fur Elise. Afterward they asked Bethel's volunteer piano teacher to play. Guillaume and Delphine expected him to play something that would blow everyone away (he can play Rach 3--Rachmaninoff's 3rd piano concerto) but instead he played a simple hymn. He didn’t show off in front of everyone or make the famous pianist lose face. He just walked away from the piano without anyone really noticing him. Only Guillaume and Delphine knew what he had done, a true act of humility.

The story would split off at the point he was asked to play something for the crowd. I was expecting to hear that he blew everyone away with a difficult piece and put the arrogant woman in her place. And since that was the first thought that came to my mind naturally, I know that I would have almost certainly taken that path had I been in his shoes. But the other path was the one he took. Instead of seeking his own glory, he was humble and chose a simple piece—a hymn, of all choices.

I was immediately awed what Guillaume said. But at the same time, I was indignant. I was annoyed at the arrogant pianist who thought she was so great while she performed something a kid in elementary school could play. I felt that it would have been the right thing to do to bring her pride down a few notches by upstaging her.

The conflict between what I know is truly right and what I think I would have done led to repentance. There are so many lessons to learn from this. I am sure I will continue to think about it and learn more. But one question I ask myself is: who do I resemble more, the Bethel volunteer, or the arrogant celebrity?

I would have to say the second. I always feel like I have so much to offer—whether it is to the Bethel children, to my friends, in classes, in music, etc. Meanwhile, what I really have to offer equals out to Fur Elise when compared with many people who are much more capable, talented, and experienced than I. In the eyes of God, what I have to offer is a one-handed rendition of Mary had a Little Lamb.

Meanwhile, the person who really has much treasure to offer decides to store it in heaven instead of seeking the praises of man. As I reflect on it more, I realize that showing off for that one night would have led to nothing of worth. As Matthew 6:5 says, “I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.”

The struggle with pride is a long one that is never permanently won during one's lifetime, since the self always surfaces and wants to have its way. I learned an important lesson in my purpose and identity as a volunteer this summer. I started off the spring semester thinking I would perform a charity recital in Beijing to raise a few thousand dollars for Bethel. I felt so convicted to do this that I left Under Construction (a Christian a cappella group I've been involved with since freshman year) to start practicing piano. I kept hitting roadblocks that made it seem impossible for the plans to work out, but each time it seemed God made a way for me to succeed through a new contact. In the end it seemed everything would work out--I would perform along with the Bethel choir on July 8 at the Central Conversatory in Beijing, sponsored by the Harvard Alumni of Beijing, and hopefully raise several thousand dollars for Bethel. I emailed Guillaume and found out that the publicity would not be good for Bethel since it is not a registered organization.

After having struggled so much each time it seemed the plans would fail, I finally felt peaceful when I read this email from Guillaume. The plan would not go forward, but it was okay. I remembered what last year's Harvard volunteer had written to me:

"Also, while you're thinking about what you want to do while you're there, I encourage you to first focus first on what will have the biggest impact on the children... These children lack a rigorous educational background and some also have learning disabilities in addition, so it takes a longer time for them to learn things than the average blind person, not to mention the average non- blind person. The orphanage gets adequate funding from donors abroad, so the biggest contribution you can make is actually through your wisdom and personality, not through money."

I thought about this for a while. I still wasn't sure why God had convicted me to leave Under Construction and prepare for a recital for half a semester before I had to let that plan go. I felt that the time I spent contacting people, practicing piano, and stressing out was somewhat wasted, not to mention all the time my parents had to spend helping me. But several months later I see that several things came out of it:

-More friends. Cici contacted me for the first time since we met each other in Beijing last year, and we are great friends and sisters in the Lord. Li Jing, a KSG alumnus in Beijing, is now a family friend.

-A job at CIEE during June. It fit perfectly between the dates of the end of school and the beginning of my trip to China. I gained work experience running a welcome-the-Irish program and made another friend--Jake, who introduced me to Teen Girl Squad.

-Probably the most important--at this point, after hearing the story about the pianist, I realize again that this summer is as much of a learning experience for me as it is for the children. I am learning more than the children, actually. They are learning how to say, "I feel happy/sad/angry because..." and "How much does this cost?" while I am learning just to be grateful to be at Bethel. The recital would have been nice, but the real point of all this is to do what's best for the children.

I look at Guillaume and Delphine who gave up all they had in France and came to China three years ago to start Bethel, while they had an infant girl of their own to care for; I look at the nannies hired by Bethel who take care of autistic, disabled, and blind children like they were their own kids; I look at the volunteers who are here for their second time because they love the children so much. This again affirms that love is really the most important thing in life; in this materialistic, restless country, that is often forgotten. This is a world where the natural impulse is to try to upstage the next person by playing a piece that is more difficult and more fanciful, but there are small havens like Bethel where the goal is just the opposite.

Bethel is about yielding to and sacrificing for other people, whether it is a young blind orphan or another volunteer. It is about patience and kindness, not boasting or selfishness. I have almost memorized these verses from 1 Corinthians in Chinese:

爱是恒久忍耐，又有恩慈；爱是不嫉妒，爱是不自夸，不张狂，不做害羞的事，不求自己的益处，不轻易发怒，不计算人的恶，不喜欢不义，只喜欢真理；凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望，凡事忍耐。爱是永不止息。

如今常存的有信，有望，有爱；这三样，其中最大的是爱。